Real Talk. Group Text.
Everyone loved hearing Carrie Bradshaw’s tales…but why was she the only one to have all the fun? And why were each of her columns left with a question, never answered? Hell, she didn’t even have Bumble.
In Real Talk. Group Text we will feature your modern love stories, and questions, to then be answered in the following issue. It’ll be like your neverending group message chain with your bff’s but with strangers. Guaranteed to include lots of unwanted, non-based, baggage filled, projecting, psuedo-scientific, potentially unhinged astro hunches, “gut” instincts and opinions…just the way you want it.
Dater-In-Residence: Kristy Owen
“DID YOU HAVE WORK DONE ON YOUR VAGINA?” he asked. That’s odd, I thought, as he starts to get dressed beside my bed. I mean... Is there something wrong with my vagina? Honestly, it never crossed my mind, but, then again, I haven’t ever seen an- other vagina.
“Nooooo. I haven’t. But more importantly, why do you ask?”
I feel I need to break to give you a little history of who I am and the ups and downs of my dating life. I’m the girl who dates the impossibly hard to find weirdo’s that so easily end up in my Rolodex with the perpetually unanswered question... Is there, in fact, a weirdo magnet implanted in my forehead?
A few examples to level the playing field:
11 years ago I married my best friend. One year later he decided he wanted to have sex with men. We went our separate paths because I wasn’t into habitually sporting a strap on.
Then there was the ex-MLB player who went from being the most beautiful, interesting and mysterious man I had ever laid my eyes on, to quickly exhibiting concerning traits of Dustin Hoffman’s character in Rain Man.
Or that one time I fell madly in love with a conflicted Muslim. Conflicted because he loved me, but his family and religion did not.
BACK TO MY VAGINA...
He still hasn’t said a word and my impatience kicks in. “Have you seen a vagina that has had work done before?” I asked. My thought is that he must be comparing my kitty to something he has seen before, right? I’m picking up some nervous energy as he tries to speak, he already had a slight lisp but now it was like he swallowed his tongue... and all I am trying to do is not freak out about what the FUCK is wrong with my vagina! GOD DAMN IT ANSWER ME!
After what feels like an eternity, he says, “Your vagina is perfect, it looks like it was surgically crafted.” I blurt out, because the red ag is now up, “That’s ridiculous, I have a normal vagina, how would you even know, have you seen a surgically crafted vagina before?”
And here it is. “I have, I hooked up with a tranny once.”Whelp we will chalk this up as a first. As it felt like my blood was slowing leaving my body and it was as if for him his inner vault had finally broken the code and the stories began to ow...this man needed to talk.
He had just graduated from high school and was looking to make cash, he thought about becoming a male stripper and when he mentioned the idea to his friend, his friend had a more elaborate plan that allowed him to make more money faster. Typically, that is the goal, right?
The plan was to call their old Social Studies teacher from high school because he would pay to watch guys beat off. (As a reminder this story is being told in my bedroom after we just had sex...and just after he told me I feel like home to him.)
He called his high school teacher and went over to his house to masturbate while watching porn as his old teacher sat and watched. Things continue like this for weeks and eventually crystal meth and the aforementioned tranny was added to the mix. I asked him how it made him feel to have his teacher watch him, pay him, drug him, abuse him... and he answered, “Hot, I like the attention.”
**For the record, I do NOT discriminate. I am a true believer in Come One, Love All. That being said, I prefer the man that is having sex with me to only want women, specifically one woman, me. Believe me, I realize how LARGE of a request that is these days.**
I couldn’t help but ask, “how do you fill that desire for attention today ” I try to always remind myself **don’t paint red flags white** SO, as I am listening to all this crazy sadness, sick negative attention, that he is telling me makes him feel hot... I remember... WE JUST HAD SEX... He is lying in my bed con ding in me and I have somehow gone from...I could potentially date this man... to HOLY SHIT I need to call my therapist, He needs a therapist and to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE”.
BUT INSTEAD...WE GO TO LUNCH.
There was a part of me that didn’t want to react in a negative way because he was sharing something so intimate with me that I wanted to honor it. At the same time because of my own history with my ex-husband, I wanted to cry and couldn’t help but wonder the way too often thought of “why me”?
And if I were to freak out, would it keep him from sharing his story in the future? Was I saving the next girl who would have also been uncomfortable with his past? Was it OK to be uncomfortable with his past?
I know, I know, we all have a history. I have also been told that if you don’t study your history you are bound to repeat it. I do not want to repeat mine. I ask for transparency every day in my life... Do we really want to know what we ask for?
Do you think we are drawn to what we do not need because we are afraid to find what we really want?
Want to help Kristen?
Want to tell her you’ve been-there-done-that?
Want to ask her out?
Want to share your own tale?
Please send your bits of brain gold, pithy one-liners, and all the bad advice to firstname.lastname@example.org to be printed in next month’s edition.
More From This Issue
Another Set of Shoes: Life Below the Poverty Line by Nikki Yeager
The Nomadic Families of the United States by Kristin Hanes
The "So Don't Throw it Out" Project by Brette Sember