Snail Mail to Anyone: Digital Friends Edition

Photo by Chris Lawton

Note: Below is an editable letter to your digital friend.

We’ve filled in some blanks, but the hard part, sending the damn thing, that’s up to you. Instructions below.


Hey you.

I know what you’re thinking: I haven’t been liking your pics or sharing your posts or clicking retweet as often lately. I’ve paid my phone and internet bill, I promise. I’m still here.  


I’ve actually been “here” in the real world [VERB] the roses, [VERB] the sunshine, [RALPH WALDO EMERSON LINE ABOUT NATURE]. It’s a little thing called “being offline.” I know that means less contact than you’re used to, so I’m getting the pinky side of my hand fully inky writing to you via a newspaper. Pretty [SYNONYM FOR DOPE] if I do say so myself.


Let’s see. Life since going offline.


When’s the last time you picked up a newspaper? This thing feels great. Also, it’s a lot harder to remember how to spell without auto-correct.


Some things I’ve been up to...I walked down [PLACE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN IN YOUR TOWN] for the first time! It was [ADJECTIVE]. I finally read [BOOK] which was everything I thought it would be and more. I forgot how much I love the [SENSE] of books.


You won’t believe how many people will actually talk to you in [PUBLIC LOCATION USUALLY CROWDED WITH PEOPLE WHO SEEMINGLY HATE EACH OTHER] when you’re not all looking at phones. I got a compliment on my [ITEM]. In the [LOCATION YOU USUALLY FEAR MAKING EYE CONTACT]! Faith in humanity replenished!


I found out recently that I can’t [PHYSICAL ABILITY YOU SWORE YOU HAD]. I also found out that I can make it to the gym in the [PART OF DAY GYMS ARE OPEN] when I don’t scroll on the ‘gram for an hour and (maybe intentionally) miss that [WORKOUT] class.


I haven’t been stressed out by the [ADJECTIVE] comments on [NOUN THAT CAN BE TURNED INTO FERTILIZER] posts from our [ADJECTIVE] President. I’ve actually gotten involved in my local government. They serve [NON-WHOLE30 FOOD] at the meetings so it’s worth it.


It’s funny how your brain turns on when your phone turns off. My ears are listening. My eyes are open. My heart feels a little bigger.


I miss seeing your digital face everyday but it’s made me realize, I wish I could actually see your face everyday! Let’s make a plan to get together asap. How about [PLACE]?


Life is too short and my list is too long!


Have I told you lately that I love you? Because I do.

Let’s hug soon.





Instructions for Mailing An Analog Text Message:

Step 1. Fill it out 

Step 2. Tear it out

Step 3. Fold it up

Step 4. Find an envelope

Step 5. Put it in an envelope

Step 6. Write your return address in the top left corner if you want them to write you back. If anonymous hate/revenge/stage-5-clinger mail, we suggest leaving blank.

Step 7: Write the address of the recipient in the middle of front of envelope 

Step 8: Buy a stamp. Currently being raised to 49 cents. Still cheaper than your data plan.

Step 9: Lick stamp

Step 10: Place stamp in top right corner on front of envelope 

Step 12: Walk to a mailbox. Either the big blue R2D2 looking things at the street corner or to your own mailbox. 

Step 13: Mail the damn thing.



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Photo by Mathyas Kurmann on Unsplash.