Real Talk, Group Text

Photo by Chris Lawton

Everyone loved hearing Carrie Bradshaw’s tales…but why was she the only one to have all the fun? And why were each of her columns left with a question, never answered? Hell, she didn’t even have Bumble.


In Real Talk. Group Text we will feature your modern love stories, and questions, to then be answered in the following issue. It’ll be like your neverending group message chain with your bff’s but with strangers. Guaranteed to include lots of unwanted, non-based, baggage filled, projecting, psuedo-scientific, potentially unhinged astro hunches, “gut” instincts and opinions…just the way you want it.


Dater-In-Residence: Kristy Owen




The date went great.


This was number two of in real life encounters after a month of witty banter via the yellow bumble bubbles. We were trying so hard to get to the top of the dating app pile by being both funny and punny. His photos showed that he was adventurous, fun but not childish, liked kids/dogs, dressed well, and was athletic. Online, he was great...the new version of “on paper he’s great”.


Offline he was beige. Like a pair of pleated Dockers.


I had to stifle the yawns behind sips of a margarita. I sat there looking at him as he spoke about his travels through Europe, not entirely listening, as I pondered that by all accounts he was a total package, yet I couldn’t be more uninterested. I mean, the topics were definitely things I typically found interesting; Podcasts, Books, Politics, and Travel. Yet, delivered from him, I suddenly found them boring. It’s as if this guy had the Midas touch of blandness.


After recounting the dinner date to my friends, even in the telling, I can see that he actually wasn’t boring at all. He was just boring to me.


So I ask:


Is connection a real thing we cannot fake in the physical world, even if we can in the online one?





Dear Dispatch,

Want to help Michaela?

Want to tell her you’ve been-there-done-that?

Want to ask her out?

Want to share your own tale?

Please send your bits of brain gold, pithy one-liners, and all the bad advice to to be printed in next month’s edition.

Last month we met Kristy who asked “Do you think we are drawn to what we do not need because we are afraid to find what we really want?”, after sharing that her dating rap sheet included a gay husband, an ocd boyfriend, the love of her: a life conflicted muslim, and a new guy who wanted to know if she’d had work done on her vagina.


She asked. You answered.


Dear Kristy:


Thanks for sharing your story. I don’t think you are drawn to what you don’t need. I just think you haven’t found your person yet.


So, you are overthinking this. Everyone has their shit. Just because someone is gay or like’s a transwoman isn’t a reflection on you. It just means that they shared their truth with you. You should feel honored that they found you so open and trusting.


Girl! Been there. It’s hard to understand and not feel like personally this had something to do with you.


Keep dating. You’ll find your person. They might be weird. Because we all are.


I think some people just pick people that somewhere in the back of their brain they know are not going to be forever. A form of self-preservation.


If you have to add a disclaimer that you do not discriminate...maybe you do?


Let the freak flag fly!


We’ve all loved the unlovable. Religion, orientation, baggage, location, timing….just keep swimming.


I would take that as a compliment to my vagina if I were you.


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