2015 and My iPhone. Bye Felicia.
It's New Years Day and I am fucking petrified.
My lifeline to friends addicted to texting is about to be cut off. You know, the ones that text you, you call them back instead, and those dicks red button you? You know who you are. FaceTimes with my family 300 and 3000 miles away will be stuck to the confines of my home where my laptop lives. No more "we are on a train and our son is driving us crazy so can you talk to him and babysit virtually for 10 minutes so we can take a breath?" FaceTimes. You wanna know what really scares me? Realizing I have lived in a new place for a year and have absolutely no fucking clue how to get around because I have been mindlessly following a blue line to each destination. What scares me more? Getting lost in 5 o-clock traffic with an impatient kid in the back. Cue Clueless freeway scene.
But, its time. My smartphone has made me dumb. Its pull is too strong. I can no longer control the beast in my pocket and I want my life back. Thanks to fellow Folk writer Kristy for taking the plunge first, thus showing me hell hath not frozen over.
So before I head to Verizon to have some customer service rep look at me like I am a goddamn unicorn I have some projects to do. My morning has been spent downloading 1,787 pictures. What. The. Hell. I could not even tell you what most of these are from. Now comes the fun part of deleting the screen grabs, not-perfectly-filtered pictures, and duplicates (can we even say duplicates when we are taking 10-15 at a time for just the right one?) from my laptop. What will I do without my camera to capture life's little moments (currently digging through drawers looking for my old Cool Pix)? My TEXTS. The ones I have saved for years. It's not like a box of notes from 1997 that I can open and skip down memory lane. Where do they go? How do I save them? The idea of screenshotting and emailing them to myself is so lackluster and a bit ridiculous. Am I really this attached to some words on a screen? Well, yes, the same way I was to beautifully folded notes that smelled of high school hi jinx. This is what our communication has become. Do I really think that by eliminating the tool I can get some of the old back? We shall see.
My other loves, oh how I will miss you. Shazam. You move me. I used you to catalogue my favorite songs wherever I was to remind myself to buy an album later. This, you, I will miss possibly the most. Uber. Literally... where would I be without you? Thank you for the times you saved me. Remember that rainy night in October on the Lower East Side when I had too much whiskey? I'll always be grateful and I will never forget. HopStop. 15 years on and off in this city and I wear my lack of subway knowledge like a badge. Flashlight, Words with Friends, Calculator, and Chase. Au revoir.
Hey Instagram. FUCK YOU. I hate you for the times I spent 40 minutes deciding what picture to use on the mountain instead of looking off from it. I hate you for my desire to scroll in the coffee line. I hate you for when I spent 20 minutes "liking" strangers' photos while my son asked me to play. You too Facebook. Fucking facial recognition when I try not to tag my drunken friends who will kill me if I do? You've taken this relationship too far and that's even after I took you off my phone last year. What's next? I'm not sure and that scares the piss out of me. Siri, ah Siri. What a novel idea. Lets carry a bitch around in our pocket that will do whatever we tell her but never in the correct way. Thus furthering our lack of get up and go and encouraging discussions that if Siri was a man she would get it right. Google everything. Thank you for serving me up on a silver platter my appointments, birthdays, anniversaries, phone numbers, times to wake up, reminders, ads that regurgitate more of myself back to myself thus feeding my narcissism, self-centeredness, mindlessness, and sleepwalking into a future where I don't actually need my brain. Group texts. Adios you're gross. I'm joining the unplugging movement.
So, BYE FELICIA. 2015 is MINE not yours. This invention will not take my attention. That is why I'm dumping you. No matter how fucking frightened I am.
"I don't know where I am going from here but I promise it won't be boring." -David Bowie
Here is an amalgamation of the stuff I just unearthed on my phone. Some inspiration, some pics not worthy of insta, some I have not a freaking clue, some unedited with cavities and wrinkles, some things I want to buy. All unnecessary.